My gorgeous 2
and a half years old daughter would be 2 nights, 3 days, without me. She will
be fine. I am going to be counting minutes and looking at pictures while
sobbing and pretending that I am actually producing something while working.
It is
amazing how the brain works, It kind of shuts down when you are separated from
your baby, I feel emptiness, and happiness, maybe I will finally wax my face,
or have a wine + book moment on the balcony by night, or just chill. But no, I obsess
with her pictures and videos, like those I took and these she made because she
is obsessed with our flowers and her horse toys.
It feels
like her absence is freedom I do not really want. I do not need that freedom, I
had it, I did had my party crazy time, I did had my exciting boyfriend/date
life time. Now I am in toddler mom time, and I love it.
I’ve cried, in small lapsuses of seconds, for 3 hours now, and I feel no shame.
I need her by my side, but I also respect her right to be her own person, I respect her right to spend time with her father and her brother, her right to her grandparents. And that’s ok. But it is also ok for me to feel sad, because it is my own inner reality and feelings, and my feelings are never wrong, it is what I do about them what will define me as a woman, as a person, and as a mother, and what will define her as a human been.
I cannot put my emotional need on her shoulders, I can explain to her that I am gonna miss her, but that I am so happy that she is going to bath on the sea and play on the sand. That there is a whole world out there and mom will be here, waiting for her when she comes back. I need her to know that, to feel she is her own person and mom loves and respect that from her.
So I choose her freedom, her happiness, and I will be ok. I know I am.
